


Relapse and Recovery

by magicalIdiot



Series: If Aoi was left behind [8]
Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Akane's trying her best, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Carlos wants to help, Carlos/Akane/Junpei would NEVER hurt each other intentionally, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Junpei is really going through it, Multi, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, but Junpei won't tell her anything, don't worry it's not between the main characters, or a hopeful ending? at least? maybe not quite Resolved/Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 12:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30038541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicalIdiot/pseuds/magicalIdiot
Summary: Carlos gets a phone call from a very drunk Junpei at 2am. He quickly finds out that he hasn't been seeing the full picture.Stand-alone fic in a series, post-ZTD.
Relationships: Carlos & Kurashiki Akane & Tenmyouji Junpei, Kurashiki Akane/Tenmyouji Junpei
Series: If Aoi was left behind [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110935
Kudos: 5





	Relapse and Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> A friend pointed out to me that every single fic I write for this series just has Junpei suffering. This fic is no exception. In this universe, Junpei works for Crash Keys but he doesn't stop his detective job because he knows that if he doesn't take on such heavy cases, nobody will, and he wants victims of underground crime to get the justice they deserve.
> 
> PLEASE READ THE TAGS. This fic deals with lots of potentially triggering topics: alcohol abuse, PTSD, mentioned sexual assault, self-harm, and suicide.
> 
> If you haven't read the other fics in this series, the only important thing you need to know is that Aoi, Light, Clover, and Junpei lived together in the year between 999 and ZTD, and Akane moved in after she reconciled with Junpei.

Carlos receives a phone call at two in the morning. He never keeps his phone on silent because danger can happen at any time, and he has to stay vigilant. Especially with a religious fanatic lurking out there trying to cause humanity’s extinction. The moment the phone rings, he bolts out of bed and answers it without even checking the caller ID. “Where’s the fire?”

“What fire?” The voice on the other end sounds tired and worn, and the words are heavily slurred. Carlos almost doesn’t recognize it.

“Junpei? Is something wrong?” Carlos asks anxiously. He wants to ask the more burning question in the back of his mind-- why does Junpei sound like he’s drunk? He had supposedly gone clean before he even met Carlos. But he gets the feeling that Junpei won’t give him a straight answer if he tries that approach.

“I think… I fucked up?” Junpei says slowly.

“All right. How can I help?” Carlos asks. He snatches his jacket from the closet and slips it on. It’s probably a little chilly given how early in the morning it is, and it’s still sprinkling outside. Carlos has no desire to be wet and cold at two in the morning.

“I…’unno… Uh…” Junpei pauses for far too long before saying, “I think… I’m lost…? I ‘unno where I am.”

Carlos sighs internally. Junpei is definitely drunk. “Back up. What happened tonight? How did you get to… wherever you are?”

“I walked here,” Junpei says, as if it’s the obvious answer.

“Yes, I know that. Where did you walk from?” Carlos asks patiently.

Junpei pauses for a moment, and Carlos is worried that maybe he’s hung up, but then he says, “A… bar?” It’s kind of worrisome that it took Junpei so long to say so little. Carlos starts moving faster.

“Okay. Which bar did you go to? You must still be close by,” Carlos reasons. He puts his boots on, then bundles up with a scarf and gloves. Junpei probably isn’t wearing  _ any _ cold weather clothing, so Carlos puts on a second, thicker jacket. He’ll give it to Junpei once he finds him. If… he finds him.

“Th’... the one on… at… the one at One Two Zero ‘n… Park? It’s called, uh…” Junpei groans suddenly and there’s a pause before he speaks again. “I ’on’ remem-er.”

120th Street and Park. At least that gave Carlos a place to start. “How long have you been walking?”

Junpei hums. “Mmm… maybe… an hour…?”

Carlos scrubs his face with his hand. Why had Junpei wandered around for a whole  _ hour _ before calling someone? “Okay. Do you think you can share your location with me?”

“Uh…” There’s the sound of the phone being fumbled with and then dropped. A moment later, Junpei’s voice comes back on the line. “Mmmmaybe?”

Okay, so Junpei isn’t just drunk. He’s absolutely wasted. “Stay where you are, okay? I’m going to take the subway to the bar, and then I’ll start looking for you in the area nearby.”

“Goooooot… it.” Junpei hangs up before Carlos can say anything else, and Carlos sighs. He checks that he’s got his wallet and keys, then leaves his apartment and locks up behind him. He’s staying in a small studio apartment in Upper Manhattan, a little far away from where the rest of the Crash Keys crew lives, but he doesn’t want to live as close to downtown as they do. It’s too noisy late at night, and the nightmares make it hard enough to sleep.

At least they’ve been getting better lately. For him, at least. Junpei’s nightmares are still all over the place, if Akane’s worried phone calls are anything to go by. But they have a religious fanatic to catch, so Junpei isn’t about to take time to heal, even if Carlos and Akane want him to.

Carlos pulls his phone out of his pocket and calls Akane. The phone rings a couple times before she answers it. “Carlos? What happened? Is something wrong?”

Akane sounds panicked as hell, and Carlos is starting to feel that way, too. “I don’t know, you tell me. Is there a reason Junpei’s wandering the city all by himself at two in the morning?”

Akane falls silent for a moment. Carlos has heard these silences enough to know that she’s trying to stop herself from breaking down into tears. “We’ve been looking all night. He didn’t even take an  _ umbrella _ .”

“He called me and told me where he was, but… there must be a reason he called me and not any of you. Is something going on between you two?” Carlos asks.

“No, I… I don’t think so, anyway. He just… went to work and never came home. He keeps the location services on his phone turned off for his detective work, s-so…” Akane’s voice trembles. “What if I did something on accident? What if--”

“I’ll get it out of him somehow. Don’t worry about it,” Carlos says as gently as he can. He wishes he could be there to give Akane a hug, but Aoi probably has him covered, anyway. “It might be better for me to handle this, if he didn’t tell you guys anything.”

“Yes, I agree,” Akane says quietly.

“I’ll keep you updated, okay? Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he’s safe,” Carlos assures her. He’s at the subway station now, so his reception is about to get a lot worse. “I’ll text you later, okay? I’m at the subway.”

“Thank you, Carlos,” Akane says genuinely, her voice a mix of relief and concern.

The subway ride is longer than Carlos would like, and he spends the whole time looking at a map of the area around the bar and plotting a search path. The subway is heated, luckily, so at least it’s a comfortable trip. When Carlos walks up the stairs back to the surface, he is immediately hit with the cold, brisk air of a New York winter. He pulls his jacket tighter around himself and starts walking.

Half an hour later, Carlos finds Junpei sitting in an alleyway, back against a brick wall, drinking a bottle of some kind of whiskey. Carlos walks over to him slowly.

“Junpei.”

Junpei doesn’t even seem to notice him. He takes a drink from the bottle and stares straight ahead.

“ _ Junpei _ ,” Carlos says more insistently, stepping right into Junpei’s line of sight. Now that Carlos is closer, he can see that the bottle is at least three quarters empty, which is… not a good sign.

Junpei looks up at Carlos with unfocused eyes, his brows furrowing as he examines Carlos. “Car...los?”

“Yeah, that’s my name. You think maybe you’ve had enough to drink?”

Junpei looks down at the bottle in his hands, then back up at Carlos, then back down at the bottle. “No,” he says plainly, and he brings the bottle to his lips again.

“Did you drink all of that by yourself?” Carlos asks, trying to stay calm. A whole bottle of whiskey is a lot to drink for someone as skinny as Junpei.

Junpei gives Carlos a disoriented look, then looks back at the bottle. He doesn’t say anything.

“Junpei,” Carlos says sternly.

Junpei winces but he still takes another swig from the bottle. “I… needa keep goin’. I don’... I haven’... forgotten yet.”

“This isn’t what you want. I know, because the last time I talked to you, you were happy that you’d gone clean,” Carlos says gently.

Junpei frowns and shakes his head, his movements loose and exaggerated. “I was… wrong!” he declares, thrusting the near-empty bottle into the air. “I wanna be drunk… all th’ time.”

“ _ Junpei _ .”

“What?” Junpei looks at Carlos innocently, like he really doesn’t see the problem here. And, well, maybe he doesn’t.

“Have you had anything to eat? Or any water in between drinks?” Carlos asks patiently.

“Ummm…” Junpei pauses to consider this, then takes  _ another  _ drink. Carlos is tempted to yank the bottle out of his hands, but he knows that angering Junpei is not the right move.

“How much have you had to drink tonight, Junpei?”

Junpei’s face scrunches up and he throws his arms into the air. “I dunno! Why, are you th’... alco’l police?”

“No, but I’m your friend, and I’m worried about you,” Carlos says patiently. Junpei stares at him, and Carlos stares back, unwavering, kind smile still on his face.

Junpei finally groans and turns away, pouting. “You’re too handsome. ‘s not fair. I can’ argue with you.”

Well, that wasn’t what Carlos had been expecting, but he doesn’t let it throw him off balance. “Do you think maybe you can stop drinking for tonight?”

“I ‘on’ wanna,” Junpei mumbles.

“Please?”

Junpei glances back at Carlos, and for a moment, guilt flashes across his face. He sets the bottle down on the ground with some trouble, gives it one last mournful glance, then looks back up at Carlos. “Why’re you heeere?”

“You called me.”

“I did…? ...I don’t… remember that.” Junpei reaches for the bottle again, and Carlos leans down and smacks his hand away. Junpei recoils, more confused than annoyed, as if he’d forgotten that Carlos was there. He slowly looks up at Carlos, then back to the bottle. “Jus’ a li’l more. One more.”

“No,” Carlos says firmly. “Junpei, you’re going to get alcohol poisoning if you keep this up. Is that what you want?”

Junpei falls into a contemplative silence. “...No,” he says finally. “It’d be better if… I died all at once.”

Carlos’ blood runs cold and he has to put everything into stifling his immediate, horrified reaction. Junpei’s drunk. Maybe he’s just… saying things he doesn’t mean. Maybe he’s exaggerating. Or just talking about his death in the future, and not right now. Carlos needs to know. “What do you mean by that?”

“I just needa… leave the picture. So people aren’... distracted by me,” Junpei says plainly, like it’s a fact. He meets Carlos’ gaze and frowns. “Is that bad? You look… sad.”

Carlos decides that the truth is probably going to be more effective than any lies he can come up with on the spot. “Yeah, Junpei. I’m sad. I don’t  _ want _ you to leave the picture. I care about you a lot. I mean, I came out here to find you tonight, didn’t I?”

“Mmm…” Junpei instinctively reaches for the bottle again. This time, Carlos grabs it and moves it out of Junpei’s immediate reach. Junpei makes a surprised noise.

Carlos shakes his head. “We just talked about this. You’ve had enough. I’m not letting you drink yourself to death. None of us want you to die.”

“You’ll all get over it. You’re all… strong. Not like me” Junpei sounds so certain that it scares Carlos.

“You’re strong, too, Junpei. You just don’t know it,” Carlos says gently. He reaches a hand out, and Junpei looks at it with uncertainty for a moment.

“Are you… do you really mean that…?” Junpei asks, his voice suddenly quiet.

“Yeah. I do,” Carlos says firmly, with no room for argument. Junpei stares at Carlos’ hand for a little while longer, then takes it, stumbling to his feet. Carlos has to steady him with both hands so that he doesn’t fall over. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

Junpei suddenly stiffens, and his expression becomes serious. “No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t… wanna.” Junpei shakes Carlos off and tries to run away, but he’s too uncoordinated in his drunken stupor, and Carlos easily grabs him by the arm and pulls him back before he trips on something. Junpei’s body slackens, and he moans, defeated. “Don’t… wanna…” he mumbles.

“Why don’t you want to go home?” Carlos asks.

“Akane’s too… worried ‘bout me. ‘N’ Aoi… working too hard. An’ I’m  _ drunk _ . I don’ wanna give ‘em more to do. Needa… give ‘em a break,” Junpei says, his tone serious despite his difficulty in forming the words.

Carlos sighs. Damn Junpei and his self-sacrificial tendencies. “They’re both even more worried about you right now, I’m sure of it. You didn’t even tell them where you were going, did you?”

Junpei scoffs and tries to push Carlos away, but Carlos holds on tight. “You wouldn’ un’erstan’. You’re so… good, an’ kind, an’...” Junpei struggles a little longer before giving up. He leans his forehead against Carlos’ shoulder. There are tears in his eyes. “I can’t… I’ll never…”

Carlos pulls Junpei into a hug. Junpei doesn’t resist. “Come on. We can talk about this in the morning. Let’s get you out of the cold, okay?”

“I don’ deserve it. I should be left out here t’ freeze. ‘M a bad person,” Junpei mumbles.

“I’m not letting that happen. You don’t get to choose how other people feel about you, Junpei, and I care about you. I think you’re good, and kind, and you’re so strong.” Carlos takes his outer jacket off and wraps Junpei in it. The poor guy is so scrawny that it hangs off him. “Okay, get on my back. I’m getting you home.”

“No,” Junpei says again, but this time, he sounds afraid. He looks like a lost little kid.

Carlos sighs. “How about I take you to my place, then?”

Junpei’s eyes widen and he slowly shakes his head. “I don’ wanna… bur-den you.”

“You’re not burdening me. If you were, I wouldn’t have offered,” Carlos says calmly.

Junpei frowns, and his unfocused gaze drops to his feet. Finally, he says, “Can I take th’ bottle?”

“No, you cannot. You’ve had enough,” Carlos says. Junpei moans unhappily but he doesn’t resist as Carlos practically forces Junpei onto his back so that he can carry him. Junpei presses his face into the crook of Carlos’ neck. “I wanna be mad at you, but… you’re too… nice,” he mumbles.

“Maybe I am.” Carlos begins to walk back towards the subway station. It’s too long to walk from here all the way back to his apartment, and it really is chilly outside. He can feel Junpei shivering against his back.

Junpei sighs quietly and he relaxes even further. Carlos thinks that he’s fallen asleep, but then Junpei says, “D’you think Akane’s mad at me?”

“Maybe, but she’s probably more worried than anything.”

Junpei makes a discontent noise. “It’d be easier if she was just  _ mad _ .”

“Why?”

“‘Cuz then I could… die. An’ she’d be okay… An’ I could stop being a burden to her.”

“Do you want to die?” Carlos struggles to keep his voice even, but he has to ask. He needs these answers while Junpei’s still willing to talk to him.

“I needa… for everyone to be happy. I’m only in th’ way.” Junpei sounds completely unaffected.

“You’re not in the way,” Carlos insists.

“‘Course you’d say that… but you don’ get it. You’re so… perfect… ‘n’ pretty… ‘n’--” Junpei stops suddenly. “Shit, I didn’... mean t’... tell you that. I’m just… pathetic. Ever’one has t’ worry about me aaaaall th’ time.”

“How long have you felt like this?”

“I dunno… maybe… a long time? It’s not… you shouldn’ woooorry. Everyone has to die... ‘ventually,” Junpei says dismissively. His words are getting sloppier, more slurred. “Maaaaybe ’m just… selfish… but I wan’… I want everyone to be  _ happy _ .”

“We  _ are _ happy, Junpei. With you here, alive, with us.”

“Noooo, you’re not,” Junpei says, gesturing lazily with one hand. “You’re all so… worried all th’ time… ‘n’ I don’t deserve it. I’m just making you all… miser’ble.”

Carlos sighs. There’s no point in reasoning with Junpei while he’s drunk, he decides. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad I found you.”

Junpei giggles and throws his arms around Carlos. “You’re so… selfless… I wanna… kiss you.”

“Junpei, you’re drunk.”

“I aaaalways wanna kiss you… ’m just a  _ coward _ . ‘N’ I don’ wanna make Akane sad. But I looooove… both of you. An’ I wish I could… date you, too.”

Carlos doesn’t really know what to do with that information, but luckily, he doesn’t have to respond. Junpei’s breathing evens out and his arms slacken, signalling that he’s fallen asleep.

They reach the subway entrance, and finally, once they get onto the subway, Carlos sets Junpei down in one of the seats. Junpei’s whole body is trembling and his skin is pale, but his breathing isn’t slower than usual, and he’s able to stay upright on his own. This is the first time Carlos has seen Junpei drunk, but from what he’s heard, Junpei has a ridiculously high alcohol tolerance, so hopefully he’ll be fine.

While keeping an eye on Junpei, Carlos shoots a quick text off to Akane letting her know that he found Junpei and is taking him back to his place for the night. He decides not to notify her of Junpei’s suicidal ramblings until he’s had a conversation with Junpei while he’s sober. Akane thanks him, and Carlos is about to put his phone back in his pocket when he feels someone tugging on his jacket. He glances down to see Junpei gripping his jacket with one hand, his eyes cracked open slightly.

“What do you need?”

“I needa… stay awake. So I can… drink water. Can’t… go to th’ hospital again,” Junpei says slowly. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat and fear briefly flickers across his face. “I’m not… going to the hospital again,” he says more adamantly.

Carlos hadn’t expected Junpei to be thinking at all about his own health given how drunk he was. “All right. Do you think you can tell me how much you’ve had to drink tonight?”

Junpei blinks slowly, struggling to keep his eyes open. His whole face scrunches up as he tries to think. “The bottle… of scotch. And… I was… at the bar before that… for… six… hours…? I think…? Maybe… two an hour. Or more. I don’t…” Junpei shivers involuntarily, and Carlos takes off his jacket to wrap it around Junpei, figuring he needs it a lot more. Junpei instinctively pulls the jacket around himself and closes his eyes. “‘m sorry. I can’t… remem’er very well.”

Carlos smiles warmly. “You remember more than I thought you would.”

“I was tryna be… smarter. Because I…” Junpei hesitates and opens his eyes. They’re full of guilt as he looks up at Carlos. “I’m… a bad person.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I’ve been lying… t’ everyone. About being clean. I’ve been… drinking. For… a while…” Junpei’s eyelids flutter shut again. “An’ I… usually drink less t’ hide it. But I was… really sad tonight, an’ I was stupid.”

“Maybe you did go a little overboard.”

“I didn’t wanna… but I… couldn’t stop. And then I thought that tonight… maybe I’d finally do it… but I… couldn’t drink enough… t-to...” Junpei’s voice wavers, and tears start to form in his eyes.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Junpei sniffles and tries to wipe his eyes with one hand, but his hands are shaking too badly. Carlos sits down next to Junpei and wipes the tears away with his thumbs. Junpei presses his face into Carlos’ shoulder. “Thanks. For… finding me.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that. That’s what friends are for.”

“Friends… I don’t deserve ‘em,” Junpei mumbles.

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Carlos says gently, running his hand through Junpei’s hair. Junpei shakes his head, but he can’t seem to find it in him to say anymore.

They sit in silence for a while, with Junpei occasionally nodding off and then jolting awake. Finally, their stop arrives, and Carlos picks Junpei up on his back again. Junpei hums drowsily as Carlos walks.

“If you’re that tired, you can sleep. You don’t seem to have alcohol poisoning,” Carlos says.

“Nnngh.” Junpei shakes his head sluggishly. “’M not… tired…”

“You’re practically asleep already,” Carlos teases, smiling.

“Gotta make sure… you’re safe…” Junpei mumbles sleepily, his eyelids drooping shut. “I’m… a bad person… I’m selfish… so I’m trying… to…” Junpei’s voice trails off as he finally gives in to his exhaustion. His breathing slows, and Carlos is careful to listen to the tempo of his breaths to make sure that they’re not  _ too _ slow. Thankfully, it seems like Junpei’s okay, besides being suicidal and drunk. But Carlos can deal with that tomorrow.

~*~

Junpei is aware of his pounding headache before he even has a chance to register where he is. He doesn’t even try to open his eyes, knowing from experience that the light will only intensify the pulsing pain in his head. Nausea is climbing up his throat, so he shifts his focus to his breath. In, out. In, out. The breathing doesn’t fix the pain, and it doesn’t get rid of the nausea, but it makes it easier for him to sit up without vomiting all over himself. Slowly, Junpei opens his eyes. Thankfully, the room is dark, with curtains pulled over the windows. Wait. Windows? The windows in Junpei’s room are bigger than these windows. Where  _ is _ he?

Junpei stumbles to his feet, hand instinctively reaching out for the adjacent wall so he can steady himself. Fuck, he is so dizzy, and now that he’s standing, the nausea is getting harder to hold down. But he doesn’t know where he is, or where it’s acceptable to throw up, so he swallows the bile and vomit as he hobbles to the door and opens it. A narrow hallway stretches in front of him, opening up to a larger room that Junpei can’t clearly see from this angle. 

There’s a doorway off to the side, and Junpei runs through it and grasps blindly for a light switch. As soon as the lights come on, he spots the toilet just in front of him. Oh, thank  _ god _ . He drops to his knees in front of the toilet and lets it all out. He mostly pukes up bile, water, and alcohol since he hasn’t eaten much recently. Or at all? He’s not sure. He continues to dry heave long after his stomach has emptied its contents, until the heaving turns into coughing. Fuck, he’s so nauseous, and his throat burns from the bile. 

Junpei closes his eyes and falls back against the wall behind him, trying his best to steady his breathing. He doesn’t know how long he spends sitting there against the wall, but when he opens his eyes, Carlos is kneeling down next to him with a glass of water in his hand. Junpei has no idea how long Carlos has been there, or why he’s even here at all.

Fuck. Does Carlos know that he was drunk last night?

“Thanks,” he manages, and his hand shakes as he takes the glass in his hand. He brings the glass to his lips and takes a small sip. Small sips are better, at least until his stomach decides to cooperate.

“No problem. Do you want some painkillers?” Carlos asks.

“Not worth it with a headache this bad,” Junpei mutters, closing his eyes again. It feels like his skull is banging against his skin, trying to get out. “What time is it?”

“It’s three in the afternoon. You were out for a while,” Carlos says.

Most of the day is gone, then. There’s no hiding this. Akane is going to kill him. He takes another sip of water. “What happened last night?”

“You called me early in the morning saying you were lost. I picked you up and brought you back here. You insisted on not going back to your own apartment,” Carlos explains.

Dread settles in Junpei’s stomach as the implications of Carlos being here, of him  _ calling Carlos last night _ , are. There’s no way Akane doesn’t know, too.

As if reading Junpei’s mind, Carlos says, “We don’t have to talk about… uh, the drinking thing. I haven’t said anything to anyone else about it.”

Junpei hates how hopeful that makes him, that there’s a possibility for him to keep going down this self-destructive road without being stopped. He knows he’s addicted. He knows he can’t stop. And he doesn’t want to, except he really should, but—

“Fuck!” Junpei shouts at the ceiling. Carlos, for his part, doesn’t flinch. “You’re going to make  _ me _ choose? You’re heartless.”

Carlos smiles. “It’s your choice to make.”

Junpei drains the rest of the water in the glass and hands it back to Carlos. His head hurts too badly to think about this. Not that he really  _ has _ to think. He knows the right thing to do, but the temptation to keep hiding everything is too strong. He wants a drink. No, no, no, not right now. He needs to focus.

“If you saw me last night, you’d know that I shouldn’t really be making my own choices right now,” Junpei says shakily.

“Even if you don’t trust yourself, I do,” Carlos says earnestly. He reaches out a hand, and Junpei takes it.

Carlos helps Junpei to his feet, and the dizziness washes over him again. His vision nearly goes black, and static fills his ears. He wants to throw up again, but there’s nothing there. When he opens his eyes again, he realizes that Carlos is looking at him with concern.

“Hangover’s bad,” Junpei says wearily, leaning on Carlos more than he’d like. He just wants to go back to bed and never wake up again. Yeah, death would be really nice right about now.

“Let’s get you seated somewhere a little more comfortable,” Carlos says, and he leads Junpei out to the main room. There’s a couch facing a TV mounted on the wall, and behind the couch is a table and two chairs. The kitchen is pretty small, with no walls dividing it from the main room. It’s a very homely space, Junpei thinks as he collapses onto the couch. A few moments later, Carlos hands him a water bottle.

“Do I  _ have _ to drink all of this?” Junpei whines. He knows he should, and that it will make him feel better, but he’s not all that motivated to lower his suffering right now. He deserves it, after all, for being a lying scumbag.

“You don’t have to do anything, but it’ll make your hangover symptoms a lot better to have some water in you, since I’m guessing you didn’t drink any water yesterday,” Carlos says without any judgment in his voice.

Junpei groans and closes his eyes, leaning back against the couch cushions. Carlos is too good of a person, and Junpei doesn’t deserve him. “Can’t a man make bad decisions in peace?”

Carlos doesn’t respond to that, and Junpei doesn’t push it. His headache is making it really, really hard to focus on anything. He opens the water bottle and takes a sip. He has no idea how much time passes or how many sips he takes before the water bottle is empty. He’s half asleep, just going through the motions, doing his best to manage the headache and hunger and nausea and dizziness and existential dread.

When Junpei opens his eyes, he becomes suddenly aware of the fact that Carlos is sitting next to him, and that his head is resting on Carlos’ shoulder. He has no idea how long he’s been like this. He doesn’t remember Carlos ever sitting down. Is he still tipsy? The world is definitely spinning, and he doesn’t remember how much he drank last night, but he wouldn’t put it past himself to drink so much that his body was still processing the alcohol a whole day later.

“You can go to sleep if you want,” Carlos says, fondness in his eyes. Junpei doesn’t understand why Carlos is being so kind to him.

Junpei closes his eyes again. He’s still nauseous, and his head still hurts, but it’s down to manageable levels now. For him, at least. “What— what did you say to Akane?”

“I told her that you called me, and I found you and brought you back here. That’s it,” Carlos says. “Oh, and that you were awake now. She was very worried. She thought she’d done something to upset you.”

No, no, he didn’t want her to feel that way. Fuck. Junpei lets the guilt overwhelm him. He’s been lying to her, to everyone, for weeks, so really, guilt is not a new feeling for him. Every minute of every day, he’s guilty for taking up people’s time, for not being able to take care of himself, for not being able to eat a normal amount or sleep at normal times or function like a normal fucking human being. But the drinking… that was a different kind of guilt because it required him to  _ lie _ . And it wasn’t the only thing.

Akane doesn’t deserve to be lied to. None of his family does, but Akane is his partner. She trusts him. And all he’s done is lie to her again and again.

_ But when he closes his eyes, all he can see are two sets of hands forcing him down, and he’s too drugged to resist, and he’s not even sure if he wants to, because he’s too woozy to think, and then _ —

“I’ll apologize to her.” And then do it again, and again, and again, because he has no self-control and he doesn’t want to be alive, and it’s easier to drink away the guilt and helplessness that weigh him down—

“She’s not going to hate you if you tell her what’s going on,” Carlos says gently.

“I know  _ that _ . There’s just more important things to handle right now than my drunk, pathetic ass.” There are  _ always _ more important things than him, as there should be. He’s always insignificant, unimportant, but especially now, only months after they learned about a religious fanatic who wants to make the human race go extinct. But this is an excuse, and Junpei knows it.

“It’s not an either/or situation. We can look for the fanatic while also helping you,” Carlos says. Junpei opens his eyes, expecting to find some concern or anger, and finds… nothing. Fuck, he’s so genuine all the time. Junpei can’t do anything against someone who is just so shamelessly  _ good _ . It’s like trying to lie to Seven but worse.

Carlos is still smiling warmly at him. He’s not pushing the point. He’s not trying to get Junpei to take care of himself, or to allow other people to take care of him. He’s not telling Junpei that he should go to his therapist or take his antidepressants or even  _ do the things that could help him _ . He’s just… there. Supporting him. Ready to listen.

He doesn’t deserve this at all.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” he whispers.

“You’re hard enough on yourself without me being hard on you, too,” Carlos says.

That does it for Junpei. He can’t hold back his tears anymore. Carlos holds him, reassures him, strokes his back and runs a hand through his hair, and he just cries until there’s nothing left. So much for hydrating. He’s lightheaded and weak now, and he can’t stop his eyelids from drooping. He’s too drained to fight his exhaustion.

— _ and those hands are forcing his shirt off, unbuttoning his pants, and he’s sure now, even through the dizziness and fog, that this is not what he wants, that this could never be what he wants, and he didn’t even want to be in this room with these people at all _ —

When Junpei wakes up again, Carlos is no longer sitting next to him. For a very brief moment, Junpei is struck by the fear that he’s alone, and he tenses up. He shouldn’t be left alone. He can’t be. When he’s alone, things… things get worse. Junpei closes his eyes and tries to ignore the way his hands are trembling and his breaths are coming in short gasps. He’s fine. He’s fine. There’s no sharp objects nearby, so he’s not… he can’t hurt himself. And he can’t kill himself, either. Not if he stays here, sitting on the couch, eyes closed, pretending not to exist.

_ But he can’t stop thinking about those hands grabbing him from behind, leading him to the elevator, all while he could barely keep his eyes open _ —

Junpei can’t stop his breaths from getting faster and more desperate, can’t stop his headache from getting worse, can’t stop the static in his ears. He has to put all of his effort into keeping his legs tucked underneath him so that he doesn’t move. If he moves, he’s going to run away, and he’s going to— It’s just going to be a repeat of last night. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. If he’s drunk, he won’t have to think about it, and maybe he’ll—

“Junpei, I need you to listen to my voice. Can you do that for me?”

Carlos’ voice. Or at least that’s what Junpei thinks it is. He can’t tell. He’s too deep in panic. What was he supposed to do? Listen. Right. Listen. To Carlos. He feels Carlos take his hand and he instinctively squeezes it as tightly as he can while his hands are shaking.

“Okay. Let’s breathe together. Breathe in…” Junpei tries to breathe in. His lungs are burning, maybe from vomiting earlier today, or maybe because he’s so dehydrated that they can’t keep up. He breathes out way before Carlos gives the signal. “...Breathe out. Again. Breathe in… breathe out.”

Junpei tries desperately to match Carlos’ tempo, but the tears dotting his cheeks don’t help at all. His breathing is too fast, too erratic. He can’t control it. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t—

_ Her hands are touching him. They’re touching him in places he does not want them. He wants to push the hands away, he wants to run, he wants to scream, but he can’t move. He can’t think. His thoughts keep blurring together. He can’t think, and yet he’ll remember these few moments forever, with such perfect clarity, because the revulsion and despair are unlike anything he has felt before, even when he was about to fucking DIE _ —

Carlos’ voice sounds so distant but Junpei reaches for it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. He holds on to Carlos’ voice like a lifeline, until the static recedes and his heart stops trying to jump out of his chest. Junpei curls up into a ball and rests his head against Carlos’ chest, letting Carlos’ steady heartbeat ground him. In, out. In, out. He can do this.

Finally, Junpei opens his eyes. Carlos is there, holding him, waiting patiently. “I’m sorry,” Junpei says quietly.

“If I had a panic attack and you helped me through it, would it make sense for me to apologize to you?” Carlos asks.

Junpei shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. Right. Friends. This is what friends do. And Carlos is his friend. Even if Junpei doesn’t deserve it.

“I’m going to get you something to eat, okay?” Carlos starts to leave, and Junpei grabs him by the arm.

“Don’t… leave me alone,” Junpei says shakily. “I’m… I need to be near someone. Please.”

Junpei doesn’t miss the brief look of surprise that flits across Carlos’ face. “All right. We’ll go together, then.”

Junpei stands up and is once again assaulted by dizziness. His knees almost buckle, but through sheer determination, he’s able to stay on his feet. When was the last time he ate something? He’s not really sure. He feels like he could pass out at any moment.

Carlos leads Junpei to the table and sits him down. Junpei watches anxiously as Carlos walks away, only for a brief moment, to get something out of the fridge and heat it up. Junpei sits on his trembling hands and rests his head on the table. In, out. In, out. He’s okay. It’s okay.

— _ He’d been drugged. He’d been drugged and brought here, he thinks. He can’t process his thoughts quickly enough. There’s hands on his bare skin and he doesn’t want them there and he can’t move, can’t speak, can’t breathe _ —

Junpei is startled out of his thoughts by the quiet sound of a glass plate being placed in front of him. He forces himself to sit up again. There’s a burrito on the plate in front of him. Junpei is so hungry, but he doesn’t want to eat it. His stomach is churning and his head is spinning.

With his stupid shaking hands, he picks up the burrito and takes a bite. He can’t even taste what’s inside. He’s too busy trying to make sure he doesn’t choke, and that he doesn’t drop the burrito, and that he doesn’t start crying again. Carlos sits across from him.

_ There’s only one way out, only one way to stop thinking about those hands, that hotel room, that night _ —

“I can’t stop thinking about killing myself.” The words tumble out of Junpei’s mouth before he can stop them, and now he can’t take them back. He ignores the sudden urge to run away. Carlos has done too much for him. He can’t just leave.

(But he didn’t hesitate to leave Akane behind. He didn’t hesitate to lie to Light, Clover, and Aoi. He didn’t hesitate to abuse their trust. What’s the point in making a good decision now?)

Carlos nods. “You mentioned it last night. I don’t want to push you, but this is the kind of thing that you shouldn’t keep all to yourself.”

Junpei takes another bite of the burrito. Maybe if he has food in his mouth, he won’t have to talk.

“Is there any reason  _ why _ you want to kill yourself?” Carlos asks.

Yes. Yes, there is. And Junpei would rather die before telling him, or telling anyone. They don’t need something else to worry about. Not right now, when they’re trying to stop the end of the fucking world. And… Junpei doesn’t know if he can talk about it yet. Or ever. Just thinking about it...

He settles for a half-truth. “I’m just wasting everyone’s time, and I can’t take care of myself. I’m selfish and useless and I don’t deserve to live.” Junpei’s voice is even because these are just facts. He hates himself. He hates who he is, who he’s been ever since Akane kidnapped him and put him in a building to play a game.

“And you’re okay with that? With being dead?”

“Yes.” Junpei’s voice shakes. He closes his eyes and he sees it again, that dark hotel room and that evil smile and— “I don’t… want to be alive. It’s too hard.”

(And death doesn’t scare him. He’s experienced so many deaths in so many different ways. Dying is easy. Living is so much harder. Living means carrying around the pain of what he’s been through and the guilt of lying over and over and over again and the reality that he is not who he wants to be.)

“I want to be dead, but I can’t— I can’t do it,” Junpei says quietly, purposely avoiding Carlos’ eyes. He doesn’t want to know what Carlos is thinking right now. If he believes that Carlos wants him gone, that all of them want him gone, it’s easier to accept that he has to leave. Because he  _ does _ have to die. Every moment he’s alive, he’s taking up space and resources that could be used to save the world. And this… this  _ thing _ that happened to him isn’t going away. It’s done. In the past. Forever a part of him.

_ Those hands, forcing his own to touch places he didn’t want to. Those hands, forcing him down onto the bed. Those hands, strangling him when he refused to give up the confidential information that he’d been trusted with. Those damned hands weren’t going to go away, either. _

Carlos sighs. “I don’t think I have what it takes to change your mind, but I want you to know that a lot of people would be devastated if you were dead, Junpei. And I don’t think it would make it any easier for us to find the fanatic, if that’s what you’re thinking. Grief isn’t a motivating force.”

Grief. Junpei knows, on an intellectual level, that people would grieve for him. But on an emotional level, he can’t understand how they still continue to care for him when he just breaks their trust every time.  _ And when he’s such a disgusting human being, dirty, tainted _ —

Carlos reaches out and puts a hand on Junpei’s shoulder. Junpei stiffens, and he has to remind himself that he knows these hands, knows this person. It’s just Carlos. It’s just Carlos.

“I know you don’t want help. I know you don’t want to be a burden. But Junpei, you’re  _ not _ a burden. You’re a  _ person _ , not just a thing that can be thrown to the side,” Carlos says.

Junpei laughs without humor. “A person? After everything I’ve been through, I’m just an empty shell.”

“An empty shell who’s crying because his words and his feelings don’t match,” Carlos says, giving Junpei a knowing smile. Junpei hadn’t even noticed that there were tears in his eyes. When did those start? How many times is he going to cry before the day is through?

Junpei’s first instinct is to run. He needs to leave. He needs to get out. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he can’t— he can’t let Carlos keep being worried about him like this. He’s just making a bigger mess.

But Junpei doesn’t trust himself. He doesn’t trust himself to make the right choices, or to make this situation better. But he… he trusts his friends. He trusts Carlos. So maybe… maybe Carlos is right. Maybe his death will distract everyone more than his drunkenness and depression  _ and the thing he’ll never say out loud _ . If that’s the case, then…

He needs to tell Akane and Aoi and everyone else. At least the bare minimum. He needs to, while he still has the courage to. While he still believes that it’s the right thing to do.

“Carlos… I need to talk to them. But I…” Junpei’s voice cracks, and he can’t keep going.

“Do you want to talk to them on the phone? Would that make it easier?” Carlos asks, and he’s already got his phone out, ready to dial.

(It would be so much easier. He wouldn’t have to see their disappointment. He wouldn’t have to confront the way he’s hurt them over and over again.)

Junpei lets out a shaky breath. “No. I have to… in person. It’s what they deserve.”

“You want me to come with you?”

Junpei nods, relieved that Carlos just  _ knows _ . 

“All right. Eat the rest of your burrito, and then we’ll head out,” Carlos says, and he starts texting someone, presumably Akane.

Junpei looks down at his burrito with dread. He isn’t hungry anymore.

~*~

Junpei walks up to the door to his apartment, then hesitates and looks back at Carlos. “I… I have no reason to be scared. Right?” he asks, uncertainty coloring his voice.

“Yup. Nothing to be scared of,” Carlos affirms, squeezing Junpei’s shoulder. He never knows quite how to get through the cynical and self-deprecating shell that Junpei has built around himself, but hopefully, this is a start.

Junpei takes a deep breath and puts his key in the lock. The moment he opens the door, Clover rockets out of the apartment and hugs Junpei so strongly that Junpei begins coughing and gasping for breath.

(Carlos doesn’t notice the way Junpei tenses up at the touch and his face twists in fear. It’s only for the briefest moment. Only a detective would see it.)

“Clover, you might want to be a bit gentler,” Carlos suggests, and Clover immediately pulls back.

“Sorry, sorry. I just— I’m so glad you’re okay,” Clover says quickly.

“It’s fine,” Junpei says shakily, but he’s smiling fondly at Clover. Carlos catches a glimpse of Junpei’s eyes as he gets pulled into the apartment by the pink-haired ball of energy, and even though they’re largely darkened by fear and sadness, there’s still some relief in there. Relief at being home. At still being loved.

Carlos walks into the apartment and closes the door behind him. In the short time it takes for Carlos to lock the door and slip his shoes off, Aoi has forced Junpei to sit down on the couch, and Clover and Light are sitting at his feet. They’re trying to give him space, but Carlos can easily feel their anxiety. They’re just as worried as he’d thought they would be. Carlos sits down next to Junpei, hoping that being next to him will give him strength somehow.

“You look fucking miserable,” Aoi says, although there’s no bite to it.

“I’m not any more miserable than usual,” Junpei says wearily, closing his eyes. “But Carlos made me eat, and he made me drink way too much water, so you can thank him for that.”

“Nice job!” Clover says, patting Carlos’ arm, since she can’t reach his shoulder.

“Yes, truly, it’s remarkable that you managed to get him to eat anything at all,” Light says with an amused smile. “Junpei, you don’t need to tell us where you were or what happened. We’re just glad that you’re okay.”

“I’m not that tired,” Junpei mumbles, his voice betraying his words.

“Don’t push yourself,” Akane says gently, and she sits down next to Junpei. Instinctively, Junpei leans over and rests his head on her shoulder and slips his hand into hers, tension draining from his face. It’s cute, and Carlos can’t help but smile. How could Akane have thought that she’d upset him?

(He needs to feel her nearby. He needs to know that even after everything he’s done, even after he’s sinned, after he’s been violated, she’s still here next to him.)

“Yeah, really. If you’re tired, you should get some rest. It can wait ‘till later,” Aoi agrees.

“No. If I don’t say it now, I’ll change my mind. But it’s… it’s hard to talk about,” he says quietly.

Clover reaches up to squeeze Junpei’s hand. “Take your time,” she says.

(Another touch. These are the people he  _ loves _ . Why can’t he even feel safe around them?)

Junpei opens his eyes to give Carlos a desperate look. He looks so scared. “You got this,” Carlos says with a gentle smile.

Junpei takes a deep breath, then nods. “Last night, I tried to kill myself. And it... wasn’t the first time. I started drinking again three months ago because it was the only thing that stopped me from feeling that way, but after a while, that wasn’t enough, and I—” Junpei falters, voice choked with tears. Akane wraps her arms around him and strokes his hair gently as he begins to cry. “I’m sorry. I should’ve— I should’ve said something sooner. I just thought— you’ve all been working really hard, and I didn’t want to add even more stress, and then time passed and I thought you’d be mad at me for not saying anything earlier, so I kept hiding everything. I’m sorry I lied to everyone, a-and I’m sorry for running off last night without saying anything.”

“I’m glad you’re telling us now. Thank you,” Akane says. She’s doing her best to keep her emotions out of her voice, but Carlos can see the tears in her eyes.

“Hey. Don’t feel guilty about this, okay? Like you said, it’s… really hard to open up about this kind of stuff,” Clover says warmly, leaning her head against Junpei’s legs. “You know we love you, right? We just want you to be happy.”

“W-well, I’m doing a pretty bad job of that,” Junpei says, giving her a watery smile.

“Then we will have to give you more support. I’m sorry that I didn’t notice anything,” Light says, and this might be the first time that Carlos has ever heard him apologize for anything.

“N-no, it’s not— this is my fault. I was trying to hide it. I—” Junpei stops suddenly, glances down at his curled up hands in his lap. He swallows, then closes his eyes. 

(Junpei can’t say it yet. Not the big thing. But he can take steps. Little ones. Until he’s able to say the words that have been swirling in his head all day. Until he is able to describe what those hands did to him.)

“I also… cut myself. A lot. But I made sure only to cut in places where I already had scars, s-so that… so that…”

Carlos’ eyes widen, and the terror he’s been pushing down since last night breaks free for a moment. This whole time, he’d been drinking, cutting himself, wishing he was  _ dead _ , and  _ none _ of them had picked up on it  _ because he’d made sure of it _ , like any good detective.

Akane throws her arms around Junpei and hugs him tightly. He collapses into her arms, eyes closed, tears trickling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be,” Akane says, and she runs her hand through his hair. “I hurt you. I made you think that you weren’t worthy of being loved. And I… Junpei, I love you so much. I don’t want to live in a world where you’re not there. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

Junpei tries to say something, but he’s crying too hard. Carlos scoots over so Aoi can squeeze in beside him and join the hug. Junpei bawls in their arms until he has no energy left. Finally, he looks over at Aoi and says timidly, “Is it okay if I go to sleep without eating dinner?”

“For tonight, yes. Don’t make it a habit,” Aoi answers sternly.

“I… I’ll try not to,” Junpei says quietly. His anxious eyes glance at Akane next. “I-is it okay if I sleep out here? On the couch?”

“Of course,” Akane says. “Junpei, I want you to do what makes you the most comfortable.”

“O-okay,” Junpei says, guilt evident in his voice.

Everyone clears off the couch so Junpei can lie down and get comfortable. As Carlos is getting ready to leave, Junpei grabs him by the wrist. “U-um, Carlos?” Junpei whispers.

Carlos kneels down so that he’s at eye level for Junpei. “What’s up, Junpei?”

“I… remembered what I said last night. A-about you,” Junpei says, averting his gaze. A light blush dusts his cheeks. “And I, um. I meant it. B-but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything. I just wanted you to know.”

Junpei had said a lot of things last night, but Carlos immediately knows what he’s referring to.

_ I love both of you. I wish I could date you, too _ .

“We can talk about it later, okay?” Carlos says quietly enough that only he and Junpei can hear. And Junpei looks so  _ relieved _ to hear that. It pulls at Carlos’ heartstrings that this selfless, sweet man thinks so little of himself. How can they convince Junpei that he deserves to be loved?

When Junpei closes his eyes, he’s smiling a little, for the first time since Carlos found him last night. Carlos doesn’t stand up until Junpei has fallen asleep, and for once, it doesn’t take too long. The poor guy must’ve been exhausted after last night.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” Akane says, slipping her hand into his and giving it a soft squeeze.

“You don’t need to thank me. I worry about him too, you know,” Carlos says with a smile. “Am I right in guessing that you’re going to force me into staying for dinner?”

“He’s  _ learning _ !” Clover teases with a grin.

“It isn’t that hard to learn new habits in the face of consistent behavior,” Light says, lips quirked upwards in amusement.

“Can it, asshole, or I’m going to put mayonnaise in your socks while you’re sleeping,” Aoi snaps, and Akane giggles. Carlos can’t help but smile. He’s glad that she’s feeling a little bit better now. “Akane, Light, can you set the table?”

Akane nods, and Light and Aoi continue bickering as the three of them head back into the kitchen. Clover sidles up to Carlos, a mischievous look in her eyes.

“So, Akane and Junpei, huh?” she says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Carlos groans. If it had been anyone other than Clover, he’d be confused, but he knows what she’s implying. “I haven’t thought about it.”

“Oh, come on. I see the way you look at them. That’s not just friendship, buddy,” Clover says, patting him on the shoulder. “If you need any help, Aoi and I are here for you.”

“If I got your help, I think it would make my chances worse, not better,” Carlos teases.

Clover grins. “Maybe. But I  _ did _ get Aoi and Light together, and Aoi helped me ask Alice out, so we have a pretty solid track record. Oh, and you have Aoi’s approval, by the way.”

“Good to know, but I think maybe Akane’s approval is more important to get, first,” Carlos points out.

“Oh, please. Who  _ wouldn’t _ swoon over Mr. Hero of Justice?” Clover says, and she finishes her sentence just in time for Akane to come back out of the kitchen with a stack of plates in her arms. Clover winks at Carlos, then walks over to help Akane.

Carlos hasn’t spent a lot of time thinking about romance. He’s always had to focus on providing for Maria. But Maria’s been living on her own in California for the last couple of months while he’s been here in New York, and her Reverie Syndrome is practically gone. She’d probably be thrilled to hear that Carlos is thinking about himself instead of her, for a change.

So maybe… Carlos can think about it. He’s not sure how he feels towards either of them, and it might take a while for him to figure out. Plus, the three of them each have a lot to work through on their own, first. For now, he’s content to lift Akane’s spirits when she doubts herself and to keep that soft smile on Junpei’s face.


End file.
